Sunday, 28 November 2010

Getting Real

I hate the cold, it makes me tired and hungry which = disaster for Sarah.

At last week's weigh in I managed at 4lb gain, after I had tracked every day and did a little bif of exercise (not as much due to being ill earlier in the week). After getting over the initial shock I put it into perspective and decided to crack on as I had been...which then trailed off into me not tracking all week and doing no exercise, therefore I have STS this week.

It's not like I have been eating crap 24/7, in fact I have been eating pretty much the same as usual, but I have been to a few conferences with work and have eaten/drank more than I usually would - including the cinema tonight where I just grazed on popcorn for 2 hours (I now feel sick).

The freezing temperatures have just completley derailed my exercise efforts. I cannot BEAR moving from one room of the house the the other, let alone stick an exercise dvd on or nip out to the gym. I know it's all a state of mind but I just haven't had it in me the past couple of weeks.

On top of the weather I have been searching for some direction in life, doing many searches for my next move and looking into my options. Although it can be exciting having the world at your feet and thinking you are capable of anything, this thought lasts for about 20 mins with me before the doubts creep in - "you think you are capable of doing that. YOU?! Really?! Don't make me laugh" "you aren't intelligent/experienced/qualified/confident/thin/pretty enough to attempt THAT!" Ugh. Why am I so down on myself?

I don't feel I really have anyone to talk through my hopes for the future with. My friends and workmates have given me pep talks and are very encouraging but even then it's kind of all left down to me to figure out - i'd really need some guidance. I think the main prob is that my parents, although amazing, are a bit funny when it comes to anything I want to do that involves risk (i.e. moving away etc) they are just over cautious and really protective of me, but in doing that they lack giving me a bit of a push a boost when I announce I want to do something. Therefore I haven't told them about my desires to do something different as I'm worried they will vocalise all the doubts I run round in my head anyways.

So all the above has started to stress me out a bit and today especially I have eaten too much and I feel rubbish about it. My skin looks bad, I feel slow and lethargic and i'm terrified of slipping back into old ways and piling on the weight over christmas. I still haven't learned my lesson and still turn to food in times of stress.

Tomorrow is another day yadda yadda, blah blah, I'm going to try and start tracking as of tomorrow but I have lost the motivation for WW at the moment. I'm going to try and fully embrace it and see if I can get back on track. Sometimes I feel like i'm just going to be fat forever.

Ugh, hate feeling this way, you wouldn't know but i've had quite a fun day today!

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